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“Norman, Is That You?”: Cycles of “Psycho”

“Norman…Is That You?”
Cycles of Psycho
by
Christopher Conlon

Reprinted from bare*bones #8
Copyright ©2021 by Christopher Conlon


I

Psycho, the novel by Robert Bloch, was one of the most disappointing reading experiences of my teenaged life.

This was doubly puzzling—first, because I already loved Bloch’s writing, having devoured numerous collections of his short stories and half a dozen of his other novels; second, because Psycho was already my all-time favorite film.

I’m not sure why—maybe the book had gone temporarily out of print?—but back then I had a hard time locating a copy of Psycho. The local library system didn’t have it. I couldn’t find it in the only new bookstore anywhere near my home. Our town’s thrift shops (which were the closest thing we had to used bookstores) never had it. For what seemed an endless time—it was probably six or eight months—I hungered desperately to read the original version of Norman Bates, Marion Crane, et al., as created by one of my favorite writers.

When on a family trip I finally did locate a used paperback (“An Award Novel,” it says on the cover—I still have the book—“The Hair-Raising Novel That Became Alfred Hitchcock’s Classic of Horror”), I felt an excitement I’ve rarely felt for any other book-find, before or since. It had a cover price of $1.25; I think I paid fifty cents for it. I would have happily paid ten times that.

I began reading immediately...And, as I say, suffered one of the biggest disappointments of my young life.

Psycho, the novel, proved to be a viscerally different—and for me far lesser—experience than the film. In startling contrast to Anthony Perkins’ portrayal of a young, shy, sensitive Norman Bates, Bloch’s Norman is a plump forty-year-old given to alcoholic blackouts (“Baby needs his bottle”) who thinks of women as “bitches.” He’s unpleasant, even repellent, and, unlike in the film, he’s the main character of the story from page one. Mary Crane (the film changed the name to “Marion”) isn’t introduced until Chapter 2, and her back story is disposed of in a few efficient pages as she’s arriving at the Bates Motel. As for the shower scene...Well, here it is as presented in the novel:

“...she didn’t hear the door open, or note the sound of footsteps. And at first, when the shower curtains parted, the steam obscured the face.
“Then she did see it there—just a face, peering through the curtains, hanging in midair like a mask. A head-scarf concealed the hair and the glassy eyes stared inhumanly, but it wasn’t a mask, it couldn’t be. The skin had been powdered dead-white and two hectic spots of rouge centered on the cheekbones. It wasn’t a mask. It was the face of a crazy old woman.
“Mary started to scream, and then the curtains parted further and a hand appeared, holding a butcher knife. It was the knife that, a moment later, cut off her scream.
“And her head.”

This was not what Alfred Hitchcock had presented to me as I sat, twelve years old, enraptured, watching Psycho for the first time on late-night television. The shower scene in the film overwhelmed me with its power, its terror, and, though I couldn’t have expressed it then, its strange beauty. The entire film did. Although I was already a big fan of Hitchcock thanks to his TV show and reruns of his earlier films (Lifeboat was a particular favorite), Psycho was perhaps the first truly great film experience of my life. Even at that age, I knew that the movie was far more than a “shocker”; I found myself moved nearly to tears by the end, overwhelmed by a sense of tragedy rarely matched by any film. Donald Spoto captures this well in The Art of Alfred Hitchcock:
“...for all its overt terror, repeated viewings leave one mostly with a profound sense of sadness. Psycho describes, as perhaps no other American film before or since, the inordinate expense of wasted lives in a world so comfortably familiar as to appear initially unthreatening: the world of office girls and lunchtime liaisons, of half-eaten cheese sandwiches, of motels just off the main road, of shy young men and maternal devotion. But these become the flimsiest veils for moral and psychic disarray of horrifying proportions.”

“Veils for moral and psychic disarray of horrifying proportions.” I don’t want to overanalyze this, but it seems to me that there are reasons that many children of trauma—and I was one—are attracted to horrific material such as, in my case, Psycho. I felt a strange kinship to the world of this film. It seemed familiar to me. I had adults in my life who were not what they seemed, who each had a veiled public face they showed the world—a pleasant, popular face—but quite another which each displayed to me, a face very much of “moral and psychic disarray,” at night, after the doors were locked. I knew very clearly how madness could lurk behind the walls and windows of ordinariness.

All this played in me—mostly but not completely unconsciously—when I first got to know the film. At the time I was limited, of course, to its sporadic appearances on TV. In those pre-VCR days there was a series of large-format books edited by one Richard Anobile which consisted of nothing but stills from a given classic film, with the dialogue printed beneath. In that way one could see at least a still photo from almost every shot of a movie, and follow the story—sort of a “graphic novel” version of the original. Needless to say, I quickly purchased the Anobile Psycho (mail-ordered direct from the publisher, whoever it was). And since I had a record of Bernard Herrmann’s complete music for the film, I could create a “virtual Psychoby playing the record and following along in the photo book.

Maybe that helps clarify why Robert Bloch’s Psycho was such a devastating disappointment. Yes, the rudiments of the story were all there—obviously there would never have been a Hitchcock Psycho without a Bloch Psychobut what I read as a teenager seemed to be Psycho stripped of all its meaning, its resonance, its subtleties and eerie echoes. Where Hitchcock was elegant, understated, Bloch was crude and obvious. Where Hitchcock made the viewer’s imagination do the work, Bloch spelled everything out. I remember thinking that, compared to the film, the novel seemed almost like a cartoon.

Critics, too, have routinely dismissed Bloch’s novel in considerations of the Hitchcock adaptation. The aforementioned Donald Spoto, in his fifteen-page analysis of the movie, offers Bloch exactly half a line, and that derogatory (“based on a little novel by Robert Bloch”). Other critics use similar language about the book—when they refer to it at all, which many don’t, except in passing. Aiding in this denigration of the novel was, for many years, Hitchcock’s screenwriter, the late Joseph Stefano, who claimed to have “hated” the book and, after a single reading, to have tossed it aside, never to look at it again while constructing his script. (Interesting, then, that so much of that script follows Bloch’s novel scene-for-scene.) Alfred Hitchcock claimed that Psycho “all came from Robert Bloch’s book” and that Stefano contributed “dialogue mostly, no ideas.” But for his part, Stefano happily allowed himself to be billed forever after, much to Bloch’s annoyance, as “the author of Psycho.”

So Hitchcock gave Bloch—and himself—all the credit, while Stefano gave himself—and Hitchcock—all the credit.

The truth, as it so often does, lies somewhere in between.

Stefano did make hugely important contributions to the film. He long claimed that the whole idea of focusing the first third of the story entirely on Marion, and not introducing Norman at all until very late, was his. It may have been so, though Hitchcock’s comments implicitly dispute this. What cannot be doubted, however, is that Hitchcock’s Psycho features some of the most brilliant dialogue ever heard in a motion picture—poetic, witty, multi-layered dialogue that’s vastly superior to what’s in the book. Norman’s gentle, exquisitely creepy speech to Marion about his mother’s apparent mental problems—“Understand, I don’t hate her. I hate what she’s become. I hate the illness” (a sentiment which had personal meaning to me in connection to my own mother)—is a masterpiece of sensitive understatement. It’s derived from a similar but much cruder speech in the novel, in which Norman screams, sweeps a cup off the table in rage, and goes on hysterically: “You don’t have to tell me about jealousy, possessiveness—I was worse than she could ever be. Ten times crazier, if that’s the word you want to use. They’d have locked me up in a minute if they knew the things I said and did, the way I carried on!” Etc.
And then there are the film’s classic one-liners, which have no equivalent in the novel:

Norman: “Mother—m-my mother...she—what is the phrase?—she isn’t quite herself today.”
Norman: “A boy’s best friend is his mother.”
Mother: “I will not hide in that dark, dank fruit cellar, no! You think I’m fruity, huh?”

How many “ideas” Stefano contributed to the movie will never be known, and it’s possible that Hitchcock’s disparaging remarks (recorded in the mid-1960s) may have been the result of his former screenwriter’s refusal to work on Hitchcock’s next project due to his commitments to his new television series, The Outer Limits. Certainly the comments seem more like a conscious insult aimed at Stefano than any particularly heartfelt praise of Bloch. (In fact, Hitchcock rejected the idea of working directly with Bloch a few years after Psycho, making the unflattering remark that Bloch had done too many films for schlockmeister William Castle.) In any event, whatever Stefano’s contributions, one thing was clear early on: Robert Bloch’s novel would receive little credit for the success of Hitchcock’s Psycho.

And nothing has changed since then. Many people have no idea that Psycho was ever a book at all. Bloch’s novel has remained in semi-obscurity, shuffling in and out of print and wandering between different publishers for the past several decades.

Well, one thing has changed. Much to my own surprise, in the past few years I’ve become a fan of Bloch’s novel.

It happened, I think, when I began teaching it (which I did only reluctantly, as a way of approaching the film). When I had to dig into the novel in detail, studying it with students page after page, week after week, I began to discover that it’s quite worthy in its own, very different way—a mid-century, pulp-fiction way. I use the phrase with no disrespect. Shorn of the legendary film surrounding it and taken on its own terms, Bloch’s Psycho emerges as a fine example of the mystery/thriller genre as it existed in the 1950s. The novel is not subtle, but it’s not meant to be. This is pulp entertainment in its purest form: simple language, lots of fast action, cliffhanger chapter endings. Norman is a grotesque character, but in a garishly fascinating way. Mother, meanwhile, lacking the sarcastic wit of her movie counterpart, emerges as a purely threatening figure. I love this scene between “them,” after Norman has taken her down to the fruit cellar.

“It’s like a prison cell, that’s what it is; you’re trying to make a prisoner out of me. You don’t love me anymore, Norman, you don’t love me or else you wouldn’t treat me this way.”
“If I didn’t love you, do you know where you’d be today?” He didn’t want to say it, but he had to. “The State Hospital for the Criminal Insane. That’s where you’d be.”
He snapped out the light, wondering if she’d heard him, wondering if his words had gotten through to her, even if she did.
Apparently she understood. Because just as he closed the door she answered. Her voice was deceptively soft in the darkness, but somehow the words cut into him; cut into him more deeply than the straight razor had cut into Mr. Arbogast’s throat.
“Yes, Norman, I suppose you’re right. That’s where I’d probably be. But I wouldn’t be there alone.”
Norman slammed the door, locked it, and turned away. He wasn’t quite sure, but as he ran up the cellar steps he thought he could still hear her chuckling gently in the dark.

Having re-read most of Bloch’s novels over the past few years, I’ve come to the conclusion that Psycho is probably the best of them, and certainly the strongest expression of the psychotic killer theme so common to his books. What it lacks in subtlety it makes up for in storytelling velocity. Its limitations as literature are counterbalanced by its sheer, entertaining readability.

The two Psychos make a perfect case study of the art of adaptation. Those who denigrate the novel and deem it essentially irrelevant to the success of the film (as Joseph Stefano all too often did) are just as wrong as that small band of devoted Bloch fans who claim that all Hitchcock did was film Bloch’s book more or less as written. It was unquestionably Bloch’s story. But the sensibility of the movie is completely alien to Bloch’s type of writing.

Actually, the slap Hitchcock aimed at Bloch—“too many pictures for William Castle”—is uncannily appropriate, for Bloch was actually a perfect William Castle writer. One need look no further than Castle’s 1964 film with Joan Crawford, Strait-Jacket, with a script by Bloch, to see the difference between Bloch and Hitchcock. Strait-Jacket is pure drive-in movie fun all the way. Lucy Harbin (Crawford) has spent twenty years in an asylum for murdering her husband and his mistress in a fit of rage—a crime witnessed by her daughter. Now, years later, the daughter is going to get married—but people start getting murdered around the old homestead again. The plot is absurd, the dialogue forgettable, the acting over-the-top—yet Strait-Jacket is a delight. The film is a perfect visualization of the ethos of that era’s pulp thrillers—silly and sensationalistic, yet thoroughly entertaining from first frame to last. It’s not deep and it’s not meaningful—it’s simply a well-designed vehicle to entertain its audience for an hour and a half, and it does so wonderfully. That’s Robert Bloch for you.

Psycho, the film, is a completely different kettle of fish—a masterpiece of filmmaking on all levels, a classic that, more than fifty years later, shows almost no signs of age. Like all great works of art, it seems to renew itself with each passing generation; kids still respond strongly to it, even though it’s just a creaky old black-and-white movie from, to their way of thinking, the dawn of time. The film has things to say about alienation, loneliness, terror, and death—or we can just say “moral and psychic disarray”—which are deeply personal to each viewer, many of whom, like me, have very intimate feelings about Psycho, feelings that aren’t necessarily easy to express. That’s what masterpieces do to a person. And that’s Alfred Hitchcock for you.

II

Over the twenty years following the release of Psycho, the film became a bona fide classic—the biggest moneymaker of Hitchcock’s career and one of the defining artistic works of its era. When the director died in 1980, he left behind a long list of classics—The Lodger, The Lady Vanishes, Notorious, Rear Window, Vertigo, many more—but he was unquestionably best known for that modestly-budgeted black-and-white thriller from 1960.

Though hardly on Hitchcock’s level, Robert Bloch’s career also flourished in this period. Inescapably tagged “the author of Psycho,” he wrote many novels, TV episodes, and B-movies. At some point in the early 1980s his agent pointed out to him that there was a great deal of money being made from Psycho merchandising—but that none of it was being made by Robert Bloch. Accordingly, the agent made a suggestion. “Write Psycho II,” he said.

While the title was intriguing to the author, he initially struggled to come up with an idea for the novel. “There was one thing I couldn’t visualize,” he said, “and that was a story to go with the title.”  In his autobiography Once Around the Bloch he reveals how his thinking began to evolve:

“What had old Norman been up to all this time? He’d be getting along in years now. Must be pretty damned dull for him, sitting there in that asylum; even duller if they’d gone ahead and cured him. Or thought they’d cured him. But suppose he wasn’t cured? And suppose he heard that somebody out in Hollywood intended to make a movie about him? What if he busted out and headed west?”

The novel would be released by Warner Books in September 1982. I have a vivid memory of standing in line at my local supermarket in Santa Barbara, California, my eyes practically popping out of my head upon espying Psycho II with its flashy 1980s-style stepback cover on the paperback racks next to the cash register. (“Bloch turns the shower on again—and your blood runs cold!”) This was surely the most visible novel of Bloch’s later career; I never saw any of his other books so prominently displayed anywhere. Of course I grabbed it, and of course I was reading it hungrily before I even left the store.

Psycho II begins promisingly. Bookish Norman Bates has become his asylum’s librarian, and he lives out his life quietly behind his desk in the library. Twenty years after the horrible events at the Bates Motel, he enjoys a life with “No restraint jacket, no padded cell, no sedation.” He is as free as a patient in a high-security mental institution can be. But one day two nuns come to visit the asylum and one of them, Sister Barbara, has a talk with Norman. She is sympathetic to him—“You’re not a monster, only a man”—and they are left briefly alone together. Suffice it to say that Norman is soon wearing a nun’s habit, and his career at the asylum ends—as his journey into 1980s America begins.

I was not the only one intrigued by the idea of a Psycho II. Bloch’s agent supplied Universal, the studio that owned the Hitchcock classic, the novel in manuscript, in the hopes of scaring up interest in adapting it to film. Unfortunately the studio “hated the book”—particularly, according to Bloch, its “depiction of filmmakers” when the story reaches Hollywood. Yet, while this is certainly possible, it seems unlikely that it was the defining reason that the studio passed on the novel—after all, Hollywood has often had great success depicting its own garish underside (Sunset Blvd., The Bad and the Beautiful, A Star is Born, Whatever Happened to Baby Jane?). More likely is that the powers-that-be realized the novel was unfocused and had almost no sympathetic characters, while featuring a protagonist who is not what he appears to be—in a way that would have been virtually unfilmable.

However, while studio executives weren’t interested in Bloch’s book, the mere fact of its existence had alerted them to the possibilities of a movie of the same title. Psycho II, the film, was quickly put into production, directed by Australian filmmaker Richard Franklin with a script unrelated to the novel by Tom Holland, later known for Child’s Play and Fright Night. Ironically, Bloch was offered the chance to novelize the film script if he would abandon his own not-yet-published novel, an opportunity he understandably declined—and so when the film was released in June 1983 the public had two distinctly different Psycho IIs, released a mere nine months apart, to choose from.

In the film, Norman Bates (again played by Anthony Perkins) is released from the asylum and is allowed, however improbably, to return to his old stomping grounds—and virtually without supervision, other than an occasional casual visit from his psychiatrist. But within minutes of the doctor dropping him off at his old home, Norman is hearing Mother’s voice and finding notes from her. When he befriends an attractive young lady in town who calls herself Mary Samuels (Meg Tilly) the stage is set for more slice-and-dice shenanigans at the Bates Motel. (Bloch pointed out in interviews that this basic plot set-up bore a certain resemblance to his William Castle screenplay for Strait-Jacket.)

While both Psycho IIs open promisingly, each has a way of squandering its dramatic potential. Bloch’s novel gets lost in sermonizing about the sorry state of America and American filmmaking while diffusing the tension of the story through the use of too many different point of view characters, few of whom the reader cares much about. It’s difficult not to think that Bloch missed an obvious opportunity here—surely the Hollywood section would have been more compelling if it featured clear fictional stand-ins for Alfred Hitchcock, Anthony Perkins, and the other key contributors to the original film. (Imagine how he might have skewered scriptwriter Joseph Stefano!) The film, meanwhile, degenerates into standard 1980s slasher-movie fare, with the kind of crude, splashy violence that Hitchcock himself would never have tolerated. Interestingly, both versions attempt what Hollywood used to call a “socko finish”—in each case, a big twist ending clearly designed to rival the original’s. Both fail, it must be said, rather miserably, since both manage in their different ways to be totally unbelievable.

In an interview promoting the movie, director Franklin said, “I think that anybody who looks at our film objectively will not be disappointed. I think that our film evokes what we remember of the original, but, most important, it is a film in its own right. What I hope will happen,” he added with bracing immodesty, “is that the two films will merge and become one larger film.”  That never happened, of course. In fact, the expanded “film” Franklin envisaged wasn’t even finished yet—two additional movies about Norman Bates would appear soon enough.

In the same period, 1983, Bloch answered a letter from a youngish fan—me—in which I asked about the future of his most famous creation. He responded, “Rest assured—there will be no Psycho III or IV from me. I said what I had to say, and that’s it.” But time would prove the author wrong.

III

Psycho III was the direct result of the relative success of Richard Franklin’s film, but neither he nor writer Tom Holland would have any involvement with the new project. Instead Universal commissioned a script from Charles Edward Pogue, who had recently written scripts for two Sherlock Holmes films made in England and was working on the script for the remake of The Fly. Anthony Perkins, flexing his fame muscles in a way he could not do with any character but Norman Bates, took over as director. The film would be released in 1986.

In a move possibly derived from Bloch’s Psycho II, Pogue’s script for the third film focuses on Norman’s relationship with a nun—though Sister Maureen (Diana Scarwid) is no Sister Barbara. At the beginning of the film Sister Maureen, in a sequence which carries strong if curiously irrelevant echoes of Vertigo, accidentally causes the death of another nun who falls from a church bell tower. From there she decides to leave the church and, in another echo—probably unconscious—from Bloch’s sequel, takes off on a joyless road trip which ends in mayhem and death; but instead of running from the Bates Motel, as Norman does in the book, Sister Maureen runs toward it, albeit unknowingly. When she attempts suicide in Room 1, where Marion Crane met her brutal end in the original film, and is saved by Norman, a kind of near-romance between the two troubled souls begins to blossom (itself reminiscent of Norman’s relationship with the Mary Samuels character in the previous movie).

As with the previous sequels, Psycho III at first seems promising. The idea of Norman Bates building a relationship with a failed nun in “moral and psychic disarray” is powerful, and some of the scenes between Perkins and Scarwid are dramatically effective. But the film, which screenwriter Pogue thought of as a “black comedy,” degenerates as surely as did the previous cinematic sequel into standard slasher-movie territory due to “the studio’s insistence on blood and guts.” One idea that Perkins and Pogue promoted was to use subtle visuals, including shooting this new film in black-and-white to mirror the original, but the studio wouldn’t hear of it. Psycho III wound up both splashily colorful and the most graphically violent of all the Psycho movies, though little of the gore serves any clear dramatic purpose. In perhaps the most egregious moment, Perkins (no doubt reluctantly) seems to pick up on a joke Hitchcock once told regarding his own film’s most famous scene. Referring to reports that after watching Psycho some moviegoers were so upset that they stopped taking showers, Hitchcock quipped, “Thank heavens I didn’t have my heroine killed while on the toilet.” Thus it is in Psycho III that viewers are treated to a character who is killed while on the, of course, toilet. Psycho III also features yet another attempt at a big twist ending—except that in this case the ending totally contradicts the big twist from Psycho II, rendering much of that film moot. Still, for all the studio interference, Anthony Perkins took the blame for the movie’s commercial failure, saying, “It’s my fault. I exuded such an air of confidence and articulateness and enthusiasm and appropriateness for this job that they thought I was doing it right.”

Bloch, aware of yet more Psycho film action making money for other people, decided to go to the Bates well one last time after all—but he believed that “it was now advisable to cut loose from Norman Bates” for good. In Psycho House, published in 1990, Norman is dead. The house and motel have become tourist attractions, recreating the real-life scenes of horror for fun and profit. But before the attraction even opens, bodies rather drearily begin piling up, and true-crime writer Amy Haines has to try to find the killer. (Interestingly, Charles Edward Pogue created a vaguely similar outline for a version of Psycho IV that was never filmed.) By this time, however, Bloch’s health was beginning to fail, and Psycho House shows signs of creative exhaustion. Its characters are uninteresting and the story has little connection to Psycho other than its setting. Psycho House proved to be Robert Bloch’s last novel.

IV

With Psycho III a box-office dud, it might have seemed that the cinematic adventures of Norman Bates had finally lurched to a close. But in 1990, the same year as Bloch’s final Psycho book, a modest made-for-cable movie appeared with the unpromising title Psycho IV: The Beginning. The failure of the previous installment of the franchise led Universal to refuse Anthony Perkins the director’s chair this time; instead writer/director Mick Garris, already with some experience with film sequels (The Fly II, Critters 2) was handed the reins. Parts of the original Bernard Herrmann music score would be used in this fourth effort, and most intriguingly, the script would be by none other than original Psycho screenwriter Joseph Stefano. The distinguished names, however, did little toward creating a distinguished film.

Eschewing any apparent continuity with the previous sequels, Psycho IV: The Beginning centers around a newly rehabilitated Norman who lives in a quite luxurious house with his wife Connie, a psychiatrist who treated him at the asylum (!). Stefano pictured this Norman as “not fresh out of an institution but one who had changed, married,” and “was on his way to recovery.” One night while waiting for Connie to come home from work Norman makes the unlikely choice to call in to a radio talk show on which the topic is “boys who murder their mothers.” As he tells his story to the on-air host, Fran Ambrose (C.C.H. Pounder), we are offered a series of flashbacks depicting Norman’s early life with Mother. Unfortunately these scenes, with Henry Thomas of E.T. as Norman and the respected British actress Olivia Hussey as Mother, have little convincing connection to what we know of Norman’s childhood from the original film. The fiercely strait-laced, almost Victorian Mrs. Bates has been replaced by a voluptuous woman of maniacally overripe passions who is constantly pulling her son into quasi-sexual embraces. The entire atmosphere of these scenes is hot, humid, oversexed—far more A Streetcar Named Desire than Psycho. This is a pity, since the radio call-in scenes between Norman and Fran Ambrose are actually quite successful. A powerful “two-hander” might have been made from this material, but every time Garris goes to the flashbacks, the film dies. As one critic of the time put it, “Hitchcock this most certainly ain’t.”

The sequels to Psychotwo novels, three films—all suffer from basic weaknesses, and whatever their entertainment value, not one of them feels anything like essential. Bloch’s novels are fundamentally flawed by the author’s apparent lack of interest in developing the Norman Bates character—Norman (despite initial appearances) has only a small role in Psycho II and isn’t even alive for Psycho House. The films, in contrast, put Norman front and center, but each one is so different in visual style and storytelling strategy from the others that they cannot be said to make up a cohesive or even coherent series. They are all too obviously the work of different filmmakers, with different ideas and agendas.

Yet Norman Bates continues to shadow my life, just as he has since I was twelve and first stayed up late to watch Psycho on TV. My first published novel, Midnight on Mourn Street (2008), contains echoes of the first two films—some conscious, others which I became aware of only years afterward. My later Savaging the Dark (2014) is the story of a schoolteacher, a kind of demented mother-substitute for a young boy who suffers devastating emotional abuse at her hands. Bates family territory indeed. If there had been a film adaptation, Olivia Hussey might have been quite good in it.

Now closing in on age 60, I find that Norman is never far from me. Often when I think of my own mother, dead these past forty years, I remember Norman’s words from the first film—“I don’t hate her. I hate what she’s become. I hate the illness.” I still re-encounter Norman Bates in teaching the novel and movie each semester, and I’m delighted when students decide that Bloch and Hitchcock are still relevant, still “cool.” Meanwhile further interpretations of Norman Bates have continued to appear—a remake of the original film, a graphic novel, a television pilot, a highly successful cable series, an authorized prose sequel by horror novelist Chet Williamson. And so Norman Bates never really fades away. Through his various versions he remains perpetually near, a kind of secret other self, whispering of the darkness within all of us.

Christopher Conlon won the Bram Stoker Award for editing He Is Legend: An Anthology Celebrating Richard Matheson. His A Matrix of Angels was hailed by Booklist as “the most wrenching serial-killer novel of the past decade,” while Paste Magazine included Savaging the Dark on its list of the 50 Best Horror Books of All Time. He lives in Takoma Park, Maryland.

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Death From the Skies: Martin M. Goldsmith’s 1943 “Shadows at Noon”

What if the Nazis had launched a successful air raid on New York City during World War II? Martin M. Goldsmith’s “Shadows at Noon” takes up this unlikely—but at the time of the book’s publication in 1943, no doubt terrifying—possibility and makes a fascinating, unique novel of it.


Shadows at Noon


Every once in a while I seem to fall in love with a book that no one else has ever heard of, by a writer no one else has ever heard of. “Shadows at Noon” is utterly obscure; as far as I can determine it has never been reprinted in any format after its single WWII-era hardcover edition. There are no reviews online other than a single vintage one from Kirkus (the anonymous critic called the book “absorbing,” which it definitely is); copies of the novel today are hard to find. As for Martin M. Goldsmith, it’s probably not fair to say that no one today has ever heard of him—but it’s a certainty that damn few have. Goldsmith is best-known now as the author of “Detour,” the Poverty Row film noir classic, as well as two lesser-known episodes of Rod Serling’s “Twilight Zone”—impressive, if modestly, but hardly enough to keep his name around much in the contemporary pop-culture stew. But “Shadows at Noon” proves that he was a writer to be reckoned with.

“Shadows at Noon” follows four separate groups of characters in New York City on that fateful morning when the bombers arrive. (In that way the novel brings to mind John Hersey’s later nonfiction classic “Hiroshima.”) Remarkably, the entire story takes place in under an hour, from just before the bombs drop to just after—and so it can hardly help being “absorbing.” In fact it’s dramatic, suspenseful, occasionally moving, and, at least for me, unforgettable.

Why has this wonderful book languished in obscurity? There is no obvious answer, but it does seem to me that while WWII novels were huge after the war (“The Naked and the Dead,” “From Here to Eternity,” “The Young Lions” and so on), a novel about a wartime event that never happened might have had little appeal in the years after the conflict ended. Perhaps Goldsmith himself felt that his speculative story had no real relevance after the war was finished. In any event, the book quickly sank from sight, and has never resurfaced. That’s a shame. “Shadows at Noon” is a compelling, frightening look at war from the point of view of people who just happen to find themselves in the path of horrific destruction from the skies. It never happened in New York City, but it happened in plenty of other places in the world. Though fiction, “Shadows at Noon” reminds us of that terrifying truth.

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Annabel Speaks! An Interview With Laura Jennings, Narrator of the New "Annabel Lee" Audio Book

I'm delighted to announce that my new Crossroad Press novel, Annabel Lee: The Story of a Woman, Written by Herself is now available in audiobook format from Amazon and audible.com! I've had a chance to listen to the recording and can report that the narrator, Laura Jennings, does a fantastic job--so much so that I was inspired to reach out to her for the brief interview below.

A winner of the Earphones Award from Audio File Magazine, Laura has performed audio books for many publishers including Audible Studios, Tantor Media, Blackstone Audio, Dreamscape, Macmillan Audio, and Brilliance Audio. A longtime resident of the Pacific Northwest, she has recently relocated with her husband to Sweden.

- Laura, you are a highly successful, in-demand reader of audio books. Generally speaking, how do you decide which books you’ll record? And what specifically attracted you to Annabel Lee?
For the most part....narrators do not get to choose what they record. Publishers will cast a narrator in a book because they think that narrator fits the material. So we get what we are given. A few publishers, like Crossroad Press, have open auditions. I keep tabs on some of these publishers for projects that interest me. I chose to audition for Annabel Lee because I am a great fan of 19th century literature and the idea of expanding on Poe's poem interested me. In addition, you remained very true to the nuances, cadence and form of the novel as it was written at that time. Who would pass up the chance to narrate a modern Victorian novel so well written and whose characters are so intriguing?

-  For the record, Laura, Crossroad Press gave me a choice of several narrators who had recorded auditions, and you were far and away the best! The audio book of Annabel Lee runs nearly eleven hours. How long did it take you to record it? How long are your recording sessions? Do you do a lot of retakes?
My recording of raw audio (no edits, proofing or mastering) is usually about 3:1. Three hours of recording time to one hour of finished audio. That means I probably spent 30 to 35 hours recording. I record about 5-6 hours a day because that is how long my voice holds out and I start to get a bit claustrophobic in the booth after that. I think my proofer found about 135 errors or "pickups" as we say for the whole book. That is about average, according to what other narrators and publishers tell me.

Image result for laura jennings narrator

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- What was the most challenging thing about recording Annabel Lee?
As in novels written in the 19th century, Annabel Lee is mostly narrative with some dialogue but not a lot. My biggest challenge was to keep the long passages of narrative interesting and fresh. That it is written in first person, in Annabel's voice, helped. I prepared for that by listening to Jane Eyre narrated by Thandie Newton. Really a stunning performance. Jane Eyre was written at the same time Poe wrote Annabel Lee and also was the closest match to the style of your novel.

- Charlotte Bronte's Gothic classic is a favorite of mine too, Laura, and it was indeed in the back of my mind when I created the narrative voice for my novel. But how do you decide on individual character voices in recording an audio book? What about the voices for Annabel Lee?
I choose character voices (the sound of the voice) according to a character's age. How that voice is acted depends on the role the character plays in the novel. Are they the protagonist or the antagonist? Are they a supporting player? What kind of personality does that character have and which personality trait moves the plot of the book along? Once I know the answers to those questions then I make my acting choices. Annabel is writing her memoir looking back over her considerably long life so while she is looking back she has to embody the wisdom of an old woman in spirit. But in the telling of the particular scene her voice has to embody who she was at the time of the scene. So she was a bit tricky. Dr Blackthorn had to sound creepier as the novel progresses. In the beginning we get a hint that he is not on the up-and-up, but it isn't until later we know the extent of his psychopathy.


- Can you talk about some other new or upcoming Laura Jennings audio books of interest?
Sure! I am working on two series right now. One is for writer Susan Forest and the other is for Laura Kaye. Susan's series is a full blown fantasy about the political intrigue of the country of Shangrill. Three sisters hold the fate of a world of magic and myth in their hands. Laura's series is also fantasy but is a combination of love story and ancient Greek and Norse mythology. What happens when the Gods find love in mere mortals on earth? They are just wonderfully written.

- Best of luck with your upcoming recordings, Laura--and thank you again for the wonderful job you did on my Annabel Lee!

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Why Poe?

Poe.jpg

For me, as for so many writers in the horror field, it all started with Edgar Allan Poe.

I was in middle school when I first encountered “The Tell-Tale Heart,” “The Black Cat,” and “The Raven” in, I believe, Mrs. Peterson’s English class. I was already a bookworm, but Poe entranced me immediately and completely. In no time at all I ordered up a paperback collection of Poe through the Scholastic Book Service, a school-based book-selling company readers of a certain age will remember; I read and re-read it voraciously. I recall reading a Poe biography I checked out from the library, too. And then there was An Evening With Edgar Allan Poe, a one-man TV production of stories with Vincent Price that used to run every few months on Channel 5. In that pre-DVR, pre-VCR era I recorded the program on audio cassette and listened to it so many times that to this day I still have the slightly-edited texts Price recited of “Tell-Tale Heart,” “The Sphinx,” “The Cask of Amontillado,” and “The Pit and the Pendulum” nearly complete in my memory.

What is it about Edgar Allan Poe? A writer of morbid poems and tales of terror who died 170 years ago, Poe stands today virtually without equal in the canon of American literature. Only Mark Twain and perhaps Ernest Hemingway can lay claim to anything like a similar stature in both critical opinion and popularity—and Poe goes back quite a bit farther than either. Why should an author who wrote about crazed killers obsessed with black cats and beating hearts and weird birds who say only “Nevermore” be so central to our imagination now, in the 21st century? Why has he remained so central to me personally for all these years?

In writing my recent novel Annabel Lee (inspired by Poe’s great work, which was my first favorite poem), I thought a lot about Poe’s seeming immortality. It seems to me that the answer lies in what I view as the overarching theme of much of his work. We think of Poe as a “horror writer,” but while many of his tales have little to do with standard horror imagery or ideas, they virtually all focus on one emotion above all—an emotion which permeates the consciousness of his protagonists and so seeps inescapably into the mind of the reader.

Anxiety.

Think about it. Today we can hardly open a newspaper (or a news webpage) without reading about anxiety: its ever-increasing presence in our society, its impact on the workforce, its effects on children, new medications, new approaches to treatment.

Sometimes it seems as if the entire country is wrapped up in a kind of free-floating anxiety.

Annabel Lee.jpg

Understand that anxiety is not a synonym for fear. They’re related, certainly, but fear is what someone feels when they’re in the crosswalk and see a fast-moving car bearing down on them, or when they’re looking at the barrel of a gun held by a mugger demanding their money, or when their doctor delivers a diagnosis which includes the word terminal. We all know fear sometimes, but we don’t live in it. We’re visitors to that land, not residents there. Fear is reserved, we might say, for special occasions.

Not so with anxiety, which is fear’s everyday cousin. One psychiatric definition describes it as “a nervous disorder characterized by a state of extreme uneasiness and apprehension”—which surely encapsulates many of Poe’s most memorable protagonists. “True!” begins the narrator of “The Tell-Tale Heart.” “Nervous—very, very dreadfully nervous I had been and am.” The protagonist of “The Raven” is driven into “extreme uneasiness and apprehension” by no more than a monosyllabic bird that wanders into his room. The doomed Roderick Usher, meanwhile, suffers from “an habitual trepidancy—a nervous agitation.” The examples are numerous, and seem to me the key to Poe’s appeal. Poe never—well, rarely—wrote about average people simply going about their lives, which is the most typical narrative approach of horror writers today: the average person suddenly caught up in terrifying events (see King, Koontz, etc.). Poe’s characters are instead infested with anxiety right from the start. Nervous, super-alert, wary, their attitudes perhaps reflect more people’s everyday experiences nowadays than the so-called “average” characters of other writers. Maybe anxiety is the new average.

Edgar Allan Poe is America’s greatest artist of anxiety. We may not personally be obsessed with an old man’s cataract-covered eye or on getting revenge on an enemy by walling him up in our basement, but the emotions of Poe’s characters, their giddy feelings of overwhelming and sometimes inexplicable uneasiness, speak to us with amazing directness today. The language may be antiquated, but his characters’ subjective experiences of reality feel completely contemporary.

I sometimes wonder if, in some strange way, Poe—who died in 1849—sensed the world that was coming, with its vast wars, unspeakable genocides, insanely destructive weapons, and sent out his poems and stories to us in the future. They are, in any event, prophetic messages in bottles for us to find in our own time—messages that reflect, surely more perfectly than they could have when they were written, the anxiety-ridden world we inhabit today.

Reprinted from dmrbooks.com, with thanks to Dave Ritzlin.
Copyright 2019 by Christopher Conlon.

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Two for the Insomniacs of the World

Here’s a final piece from Herding Ravens, coupled this time with a brief theatrical adaptation I did of the story which was published in another collection, Wild Tracks.

The Chairman Comes to Call
copyright © 2012 by Christopher Conlon

The Chairman of the Board of Insomnia came to visit me one night. He didn’t look as I’d expected: first of all he wasn’t a woman, a svelte alluring lady with arched eyebrows and a black dress covered with sparkly sequins. No, he was very much a man, big, block-shouldered, in a gray business suit and sunglasses. He arrived in what at first I thought was a limousine but then realized was a hearse. I could see it at the curb outside when I went to answer his knock. Who drove it, however, I don’t know, though the hands I could see on the steering wheel looked oddly skeletal.

The Chairman didn’t wait for me to ask him in. He didn’t even greet me, just marched right through the doorway and stood in the hall looking around. At least he seemed to be looking around. Because of the sunglasses I couldn’t see his eyes.

“Nice place you got here,” he said, his voice low, hollow, echoing, like a voice at the bottom of a well.

“Thank you,” I said. “I like it.”

He asked if I had anything to drink. I asked in return what he would prefer. He shrugged, stepping into my living room, leaning down to see the various items on the knick-knack shelf.

“Whatever you got,” he said. “Coffee’d be good.”

“At three in the morning?”

He didn’t answer.

I went to the kitchen and started it brewing. He followed me in, took a chair at the table and turned it around, sat on it in reverse, his arms folded over the back.

“I don’t have any decaf,” I warned.

The Chairman of the Board of Insomnia didn’t respond.

At last the coffee was ready. He took his with cream and sugar, surprisingly elaborate in his preparations, stirring and mixing.

“Ain’t you havin’ any?” he asked.

“No,” I answered, “it’s far too late for me.”

To my surprise, he chuckled. “You got that right, brother,” he said. “Better have some, just the same.”

I knew better than to argue with him. I poured myself a cup, drank it black and too fast, scalding the roof of my mouth.

“That’s it, you got it now, you got the idea,” he said.

“When—how long will you be here?” I dared to ask.

“Relax,” he said. “We got all the time in the world. Pour yourself another cup.”

“Please, I—I must work tomorrow. I must get some sleep.”

“Sleep?” He chuckled again, then began to laugh. It was a strange sound, hard, metallic, not humorous at all but rather sarcastic, mocking. “Sleep?” His teeth were huge, bigger somehow than his mouth, sharp and deadly-looking, like a shark’s. “You don’t seem to understand,” he said at last, when his laughter was done. “I’m gonna be here a long time. A real long time. In fact,” he said, “you might think of me as a sort of permanent houseguest.”

He drained his cup.

“This is damn good coffee,” he proclaimed, holding out the empty cup to me. “Pour me some more. And have some yourself while you’re at it, pal. It’s gonna be a long night.”


The Chairman Comes to Call
copyright © 2014 by Christopher Conlon

CAST
Man…Young. Pajamas, eyeglasses.
The Chairman…Older and bigger than Man. Business suit, sunglasses.

TIME: Middle of the night. The present.
PLACE: A small room. Door upstage or slightly off.
PROP LIST: Two chairs, small table with half-full coffee pot, two cups.

(Sound: knocking on door. Starts slowly, grows louder and more insistent.)
MAN (entering, disheveled from bed, slipping on eyeglasses): Coming, I’m coming! (Stands at door) Who is it? (Pause.) I said, who is it?
CHAIRMAN (off): Open up.
MAN: What? Who is it?
CHAIRMAN (off): Open the door. Now.
MAN: Are you with the police?
CHAIRMAN (off, chuckling): Sure, buddy, that’s it. The police.

MAN: How do I know you’re really with the police?
CHAIRMAN: Who else would be knockin’ at three in the morning?

MAN: I—I don’t know.
CHAIRMAN: So open the door.
(Man opens door. Enter Chairman, all swagger.)
CHAIRMAN: Thanks.
MAN: What do you want?
CHAIRMAN: Nice place you got here.
MAN:  I said, what do you want? Am I in trouble?
CHAIRMAN: In a way. You could say that.
MAN: Why? What have I done?
CHAIRMAN: Relax, bub. You ain’t done nothin’.
MAN: Then—why…?
CHAIRMAN: I’m here representin’ the Board.
MAN: Board? What board?
CHAIRMAN: Oh, you know the Board, pal.
MAN: I don’t know the Board. I don’t know what you’re talking about.
CHAIRMAN: Got any coffee?
MAN: Coffee? At three in the morning?
CHAIRMAN: I work late hours.
MAN: I don’t. I have to get up early.
CHAIRMAN: So what? You wasn’t sleepin’, was you?
MAN: Well…no.
CHAIRMAN: Why not?
MAN: I…I often suffer…from…
CHAIRMAN: Suffer from what?
MAN: From…

CHAIRMAN: Spit it out.
MAN: Sleeplessness! I can’t sleep. Often.
(Chairman nods, looks around apartment.)
CHAIRMAN: Hey, there’s coffee right here.
MAN: No, that’s…
CHAIRMAN: What?
MAN: Leftover. It’s leftover from this morning.
CHAIRMAN (reaching for the pot and cup): I don’t give a damn.
MAN: It’s not even hot. It’s cold.
CHAIRMAN: Don’t matter.
MAN: You won’t like it.
CHAIRMAN: Lemme be the judge of that. (He drinks.) What are you talkin’ about? This is good coffee. Damn good.
MAN: Please, who are you? What do you want?
CHAIRMAN: Pull up a chair. Let’s talk. (He turns a chair around, sits backward on it, sips the coffee.)
MAN: No, I…I have to go to work in the morning…Please, if I’m in some sort of trouble…
CHAIRMAN (chuckling): Buddy, you have no idea. Sit down. (Pause.) I said sit down.
(Man sits.)
MAN: You said you were from…a Board…?
CHAIRMAN: You should really have some of this coffee.
MAN: What Board is it? That you’re from?
CHAIRMAN: Insomnia.
MAN: What?
CHAIRMAN: That’s the Board. Board of Insomnia.
MAN: And you’re…?
CHAIRMAN: The Chairman.
MAN: Chairman of the Board?
CHAIRMAN: Of Insomnia.
MAN: I didn’t know there was a Board for that.
CHAIRMAN: We’re around. We don’t make waves. Mostly we do our work at night. When other people are sleepin’.
MAN: Yes, that…that makes sense, I suppose.
CHAIRMAN: But we’re not. We don’t.
MAN: Sleep?
CHAIRMAN: Yeah. (Drains his cup.)
MAN: Please, what do you want?
CHAIRMAN: I want more of this coffee. (Stands, gets it.) You need to have some, too. (Pours second cup.)
MAN: No, I don’t…I really don’t want any.
(Chairman steps close to Man, holds cup out to him.)
CHAIRMAN: Take it.
MAN (taking it, resigned): Thank you.
CHAIRMAN: Now drink.
MAN: It will keep me up all night. I have to get some sleep.
CHAIRMAN: Sleep? (Laughs, then drains cup in one quick motion.) You think the Chairman of the Board of Insomnia visits just anybody, mac?
MAN: No, it’s…a great honor, I’m sure.
CHAIRMAN: Drink.
(Man sips tentatively.)
MAN: There. Now, please, if you don’t mind…(Moves to stand; Chairman pushes him back into chair.)
CHAIRMAN: Don’t try that again.
MAN: I’m sorry. It’s just that…
CHAIRMAN: What?
MAN: I need to sleep. I really do need to sleep.
CHAIRMAN: Drink your coffee. (Man drinks.) You ain’t sleepin’ anytime soon, pal. You know that, don’t you?
MAN: I’m beginning to realize.
CHAIRMAN: You knew all along. It’s like this a lot, ain’t it? Night after night.
MAN: Yes. It is.
CHAIRMAN: You’re one of us. One of the people.
MAN: People?
CHAIRMAN: People who’re awake at three in the morning. People who stare at clocks in the dark. People who’d pay money to be able to drop off but they just lay there hour after hour listening to the sound of the clock and the traffic outside. People who push off the bed sheets and pull them on again later and toss and turn and try to count sheep and get up to listen to music for a while or watch TV and then get back into that bed and think, “Now, now I’ll sleep.” But it don’t work. You don’t sleep, do you, pal? You don’t sleep at all.
MAN (emotional): No. Not very much.
CHAIRMAN: It’s hell, ain’t it?
MAN: Yes. It’s hell.
CHAIRMAN: Sleepin’ pills don’t work. That ain’t real sleep. You know that.
MAN: No. They’re worse than…nothing. They don’t help at all. I don’t have a chance to…
CHAIRMAN: That’s what I’m here to offer you. (Stands, gets more coffee.)
MAN: What?
CHAIRMAN: A chance.
MAN: What chance? What do you mean?
CHAIRMAN: I’m authorized to make you an offer, pal.
MAN: What offer?
CHAIRMAN (looking at him, sitting again; gentler approach): Join the Board.
MAN: What?
CHAIRMAN: Become a member. Work under me. We need people like you.
MAN: People like me?
CHAIRMAN: You’re qualified. I never seen a guy so qualified.
MAN: What would my…responsibilities be?
CHAIRMAN: What d’you think? (Drinks.)
MAN: What you’re doing? Now?
CHAIRMAN: That’s it.
MAN: How?
CHAIRMAN: Any way you can think of.
MAN: And my…my targets…?
CHAIRMAN: We call ’em clients.
MAN: My clients…?
CHAIRMAN: You’ll get a list. Don’t worry ’bout a thing. You’ll like ’em. They’re all people like you. Just like you.
MAN: And like you?
CHAIRMAN: Sure, like me. I didn’t get to be the Chairman overnight, you know. This work ain’t easy.
MAN: No.
CHAIRMAN: But it’ll give your nights meaning. Your nights ain’t never had much meaning, have they, friend?
MAN: No.
CHAIRMAN: So will you take the job? Become a member of the Board?
MAN: I wish I’d never let you in here.
CHAIRMAN: Let me in? Buddy, I’ve always been here. Every night. With you.
MAN: Yes, I see that. I see that now. (Pause.) What time is it?
CHAIRMAN: Who cares? We got nothin’ but time.
MAN: I suppose that’s right. (Pause.) Will I be—trained?
CHAIRMAN: You can start tonight. Make some calls with me. You’ll catch on in no—
MAN: —time?
CHAIRMAN (chuckling). You got the idea.
MAN: And if I say no?
CHAIRMAN (shrugs). That’s on you, friend. I can keep comin’ back. Again and again, night after night. You can just keep starin’ at that clock in the dark. And it’ll never change. Ever.
MAN: Ever.
CHAIRMAN: We want you, pal. We really do. I’m sincere. (Puts hand on Man’s shoulder, brotherly.) So what d’you say?
(Pause.)
MAN: All right.
CHAIRMAN: Great. (Standing.)  Wanna start now?
MAN: Yes, but just one thing.
CHAIRMAN: What?
MAN (drains cup, stands): Do I have time for another cup of coffee?
CHAIRMAN: That’s one thing we always have time for. (He pours coffee for both, hands cup back to Man. They drink.) Yes, sir. Damn good coffee. (Drains his cup.) Finish up and let’s get movin’, pal. It’s gonna be a long night.

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My Fab Four: I, Ringo

Here's another one from Herding Ravens.

I, Ringo

copyright © 2012 by Christopher Conlon

I am now a very old man and few are left alive from those times, so I can it admit it freely at last: yes, it was I who set the trap, I who placed the bomb, I who caused him to flail and tumble and drop to his death.

I, Ringo.

Children cannot imagine what those nights were like! Videos do not even begin to suggest the reality of it. Flying high above the city in our jet-black skinthins, dancing in midair with only a fineline between us and disaster a thousand feet, ten thousand feet below. Such freedom! No, the young have nothing like it today in their world of rules and regulations and strictly enforced limits. There have been no nightflyers—real ones, not holovideo greenscreens—in two generations.

But once there were. Once! The legends are all true. Using our finelines we would soar from building to building, window to window, blacksuit against blacknight, tumbling and somersaulting, always just one leap ahead of the police and death. Gangs of us. There were the Skulking Panthers and the Green Goddesses and the Mighty Rocketeers and my own gang, the Fighting Flyers. And of course there was the greatest of them all, the Kool Kats.

No one knew it then—knew their greatness, that is. All we knew then was that they were the most popular gang among many popular, acclaimed gangs. We were all in competition, slyly disabling alarm systems as high up as the clouds, silently slicing through glass and stealthily invading the dark homes of the richest of the rich, those who lived up there in those clouds, leaving the rest to riot and rot and stink in the streets so far below they hardly had any knowledge of them at all. For all the rich knew or cared, there was no street, no ground. They lived in the sky, perfectly self-sufficient and safe.

Or so they thought.

Children today think they have an idea of the romance and adventure of it, but they have no concept. It was a Golden Age that we knew, even then, was a Golden Age. Diamonds! Pearls! Rare coins! All there for the taking for those with enough skill and courage to master the art of travel by fineline, shooting the lines out from your customized fingertips (customized at enormous expense, of course—you saved for years) to latch onto the building across the way and then swing out to it, nothing between you and the street thousands of feet below but empty air. We carried black belts with zippered openings, just right for the small but infinitely valuable items we took. And take them we did, quickly sailing back down the night, dropping gracefully through the sky until we found ourselves finally back on the streets, where we had clubs of our own, and drinks, and women—ah, the women! Outside might be riot and strife but inside our well-protected clubs we had everything we might ever have dreamed of needing, including safety.

There was only one problem for me—for me personally. My gang, the Fighting Flyers, was a good one. A very good one. But it was not the best. And everyone knew it. We got good scores, better than practically any other gang’s—but not the very biggest ones. Like every other gang in the city, we admired and envied the one gang that was always a bit ahead of us, the undisputed champions of the nighttime world.

The Kool Kats.

There were four of them, and even in regular street clothes they seemed part and parcel of one another—brothers, more than brothers. The pale, handsome features. The long—shockingly long—chestnut hair. And in their skinthins they seemed four parts of the same person, a miraculously beautiful and stylish person divided four ways, a quartet of grace and genius. They were, in our small world, the ultimate celebrities. The Fighting Flyers would be applauded and fawned over when we entered a club, but street people swooned when the Kool Kats arrived. They seemed to suck the oxygen out of a room. The Fighting Flyers was an excellent gang—we truly were. But no one remembers the Flying Fighters today, any more than they recall the Skulking Panthers or the Green Goddesses. They are all on the ash heap of history, just like all those obscenely rich people whose glittering towers came crashing down a generation later in the Great Cleansing.

No, in terms of the great gangs of that period all the history books remember now—as if they had patrolled the night single-handedly, with no one else with them in competition friendly or unfriendly—are the Kool Kats.

One night I decided that I would become a Kool Kat.

Understand: I had a fabulous gig with the Fighting Flyers. All the money I needed, all the celebrity. I was acclaimed as one of the greatest timesetters in the city—a “timesetter” being the one who set the pace for the rest as we sailed across the night skies toward our next job. A good timesetter was crucial—gangs had collapsed for the need of one, members colliding with one another in mid-air, careening crazily to their dooms below. That happened to two members of the Blue Danubes, a gang that had genuine potential—Fiery Thomas and Behemoth, may they rest in peace. Such a thing could happen at any moment without a first-rate timesetter.

When the timesetter arrived at the windowsill of that night’s mark, he became the lookout for the others. Timesetters never set foot inside the premises themselves—they watched and waited, watched and warned. I had saved my fellow Fighting Flyers more than once by sending the silent blinking signal to their beatboxes when I espied the familiar ominous shapes of the police floatcars approaching. We were never caught. Not once. And a good thing, too—it would have been loboes for all of us then, the remainder of our lives spent drooling in institutions. Oh, timesetters were vital, believe me. And we always got our full share of the haul upon returning to street level. No one would dream of cheating a good timesetter.

The Kool Kats had never been caught either, but unlike the Flying Fighters, they had had close calls. The word on the street was that their timekeeper, Sneaky Pete, was not all he might be. He was the handsomest in the gang, yes, and the most popular with girls—but some wondered about the long-term prospects of the Kool Kats with Sneaky Pete. Oh, he was good, no doubt. But he was not great.
I was great. And I knew it.

And I proved it to the world once I joined the Kool Kats.

Yes, I admit it. It was I who paid off the security guards, I who planted the explosive on the windowsill of the residence they were working that night. How did I know which it would be?

Why, Sneaky Pete told me. We were friends, you see.

And so when Sneaky Pete, timekeeper of the greatest gang in the city, swooped out of the sky onto the window ledge that night, all those years ago, it exploded.

It was not a large explosion. It was just enough to blow apart his fineline and send him tumbling into space, helplessly dropping from the clouds to the hard and unforgiving street. There was, I am told, little of him left after the impact.

Of course this left the other Kool Kats dangling, scrambling, rushing away in a panic as the police floatcars were in the sky almost instantly. They escaped, but it was a close thing.

No one saw any of the surviving Kool Kats for some days after that dramatic and tragic night, and everyone began to assume that their gang had broken up, was no more.

Then, as I knew they would, they came knocking at my door.

I was the best timekeeper in the city, you see. It was inevitable they would come to me. They stood on my doorstep, hats in hand, and asked if I would consider leaving the Fighting Flyers and joining the Kool Kats. Of course I made a show of hesitating, of weighing the pros and cons. And of course, in the end, I said yes.

And so we became the greatest of all the flying gangs of that long ago time, our celebrity and accomplishment reaching new heights once I became part of them. I fit in, too—I looked a bit like them, and it was not difficult to grow my chestnut hair long like theirs.

I have always assumed that they had no idea who had placed the explosive there, who led their original timekeeper to his doom. But the more I have learned about life over my own very long one, the more I wonder. Perhaps they did know.

Perhaps that is exactly why they invited me to join them.

Well, there is no one left to ask. Today I am the only remaining survivor. Sneaky Pete, meanwhile, is hardly even a footnote to history.

The world remembers the Kool Kats, and always will.

The Kool Kats: Wily John, Pretty Paul, Silent George.

And I, Ringo.

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Free Story! The Raven 2

Over the next few weeks I'll be posting some of my little "bon-bons"--very short stories reprinted from my collection Herding Ravens, which Peter Schwotzer at Famous Monsters of Filmland called "brilliant...a totally insane group of tales that can't really be pigeon-holed into a genre."

Enjoy!

The Raven 2

copyright © 2012 by Christopher Conlon


I had been writing in my chamber—a small, ill-lit, melancholy room whose main feature is a huge painting of my lost love, a beautiful young female whose name is untranslatable into the present tongue but which means something along the lines of “swift graceful huntress”—when there came a tiny rapping at my window. Pulling myself from my oppressive mood of sadness, I hopped over to the ledge and discovered a very small human standing outside.


Angling my beak just so, I pulled open the window and stood staring at the little man. He was perhaps three inches high. He wore a silver suit which covered his entire body, neck to feet.

Once upon a time, in the years before the Great Light, we ravens feared and loathed human beings for their guns, their stones, their shouted voices—and their sheer size: if one of us was hapless enough to fall into their hands, lo! all hope was lost. They were vastly bigger than we and capable of utterly destroying us. Our only way to survive came through our sheer slippery cunning.

How things changed after the Great Light. Whence it came we know not. But one morning it was there, obliterating almost all it washed over: and after it passed away virtually everything was dead. Horses, dogs. Most vegetation died and then grew again in new shapes and colors. Happily, rats and mice and other such tasty prey survived, though many in the raven community agree that they tasted somehow indefinably different—not without savor, but different.

The humans all perished—or we thought they did—and their carcasses were a pleasure to devour for weeks to come. That was the great period for the ravens. We ate our fill without fear. We circled the skies and cried out to each other in joy.

And we grew. Perhaps in reaction to the sudden cornucopia of food available, we rapidly became enormous—I myself, once about eighteen inches tall in the way man formerly measured such things, am now nearly four feet high.

I said earlier that we thought man had utterly perished. We were soon proved wrong by some of the mightiest hunters of our clan, who began bringing back strange little creatures with arms and legs, creatures the likes of which we had never seen before. One of our greatest and profoundest thinkers pondered the problem for some time before coming to the conclusion that, as we ravens had grown, the humans had shrunk. Millions of them had died, yes—but the ones that hadn’t perished had shrunk, as this one before me now, to a height of around three inches. The Great Light certainly moved in mysterious ways.

And now here was this man before me. I could easily have grabbed him with my lightning-quick beak and devoured him, but I am not particularly partial to the taste of these new miniature humans. Anyway, I was curious about this one, and taken aback by its boldness. I decided to discover what the little animal wanted.

It was waving to me and saying something. Its voice was very small and low, but it was audible. Happily I am well-versed in the language of humans as it was once spoken in this land.  
What the human said was, “Filthy bird!”
         
Now this was even more surprising. Surely the creature understood that it could be assassinated at any instant by the simple application of my own rock-hard beak to its soft, tender man-flesh. I was tempted to laugh, but laughter was not an indulgence in which I had engaged for many moons. Something about the miniature being instead made me take pity. I leaned close to it and spoke its language—my ability to speak human is limited because a raven’s vocal apparatus is completely different from that of a man, but I can manage a few words of the barbaric tongue.

“O Man,” I said, “wherefore dost thou come to me in my hour of sorrow?”

For I had indeed been sorrowing, staring at the picture of my lost Swift Graceful Huntress and attempting to peck out a poem to her blessed memory.

Quoth the man, “Filthy bird!”

This was most strange. Perhaps, I thought, the poor creature was demented. After all, in addition to the aforementioned fact that I could kill the thing at any moment I chose, there was the additional truth that ravens, myself included, are very clean birds. We bathe assiduously and work constantly to keep our feathers free of fleas and mites. I myself had had a lovely bath in a pond not far from my chamber only a few hours before. Afterwards I had preened for some time, wanting to feel as clean and pure as I possibly could in order to compose my poem to my lost love. Therefore, while I was admittedly and proudly a bird, I was most certainly not filthy.

“O Man,” I said, working my way around the unnatural sounds and syllables as best I could, “thou art confounded. No doubt the new order of the world hath baffled and bewildered thee. Perhaps thou art frustrated that we ravens hath overtaken everything that was once Man’s. Perhaps thou once lived in this chamber, or one like it, long ago, before the Great Light. I feel sorrow for thee, O Man.”

Quoth the man, “Filthy bird!”

“What I suggest,” I continued, ignoring the poor thing’s feeble insult, “is that thou stayest here with me. I will care for thee as a beloved pet. I will feed thee and bathe thee and give thee a place to sleep thou shalt find comfortable. Thou mayest ride upon my head or seated atop my feet as I go about my daily duties. I will protect thee, O Man, and guide thee, and love thee.”

Quoth the man, “Filthy bird!”

I confess: at that point I grew enraged. Already overcome with my feelings of loss for my Swift Graceful Huntress, I reached with my great beak to silence the minuscule vulgarian forevermore.

To my astonishment, however, my beak snapped closed on nothing.

Looking up I saw that the human was flying about the room. Flying, as a raven would fly—though of course with none of a raven’s grace. There was some sort of device strapped to its back that emitted two little flames which seemed to grant the human the means of this aerial locomotion. The human swooped this way and that through the air and, although I cannot be sure, I believe that I heard the ill-mannered thing laughing.

This was an outrage I would not stand. The impertinence! Man in flight! It is true that in the days before the Great Light Man did have its mechanical contraptions which flew with great noise among the clouds, but this was different. This man was flying—himself!

I resolved to pursue him and bring this blasphemous farce to its conclusion by snapping the wretched animal in half. Yet, try as I might, I could not seem to catch the creature. It was so small that it could dart like a sprite and hide in small cracks and crevices I could not penetrate. Chasing the thing in that small, enclosed space, I was at a disadvantage—I was too big, too clumsy.

At last I was winded and, in despair, flapped back to my desk, with my incomplete poem under my feet.

The little man had taken refuge atop the bust of Polly which stood above my chamber door. Polly the parrot, the first bird, according to our tradition, ever to speak. Just below his bust was the smaller statue of the cracker Polly is said to have requested with those initial words.

Quoth the man, “Filthy bird!”

But now, to my surprise, the man continued speaking.

“It won’t be long now!” said he. “Mankind is coming back! There are pockets of us everywhere around this city! We’ve developed technology, like my Jet Pack here! We’ve developed weapons—deadly weapons! Weapons a size we can use! Weapons that will destroy you and your kind! The reign of the raven is about to come to an end!”

The pitiful little human raved on insensibly about its mad fantasies regarding its technology, its weapons, its glorious future. It all made me sad, almost as sad as when I looked up and beheld the image of my Swift Graceful Huntress.

“O Man,” I answered, inspired to metaphor, “take thy beak from out my heart!”

The man merely laughed. It obviously had no understanding of the compliment I had (admittedly insincerely) attempted to pay it, suggesting that Man too might contain the power and beauty of a bird’s beak, if only metaphorically. Nor did it comprehend how melancholy I had been made by its meaningless babblings, which truly did hurt my heart.

The strange thing is that the human still is sitting on the bust of Polly above my chamber door. It watches me day and night. Occasionally I hear it laughing, though for what reason I know not. Yet something within me whispers that a time of great change may be coming, a change possibly as tremendous as that brought on by the Great Light. But such things are too large, too foreboding, to think about. Instead I return my beak to the paper, slowly pecking out my sorrowful ode to her whom I shall meet again—nevermore!

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